Destruction of Shards
by xox.MyWorldIsDifferent.xox
Summary: It had frightened him to see Tonks cry like that because he'd never seen her cry before, not even when they had watched Titanic together and she had declared it the 'single most horrible, gut-wrenching movie ever'. He couldn't understand then, why something as trivial as himself had reduced her to a teary, blubbery mess.
1. Prologue

**This is my first chapter fic and updates may be slow. Title is inclined to change also because I can't decide if I like it yet.**

**All characters belong to JK Rowling, bless her soul. A review would be nice, ta very much. **

* * *

The silence of the morning was broken by the soft clicking of wheels being dragged over tiles and the sound of muffled sobs emanating from a room down the hall.

Remus drew in a shaky breath as he left his suitcase by the kitchen table and made his way to the sink for a glass of water. He spent as much time as possible running the water, filling the glass and sipping the drink; he felt as though he had been physically drained of all energy and just wanted to crawl back into bed.

As it was, he had a flight to catch in less than forty minutes and was in no way inclined to miss it and have to go through yet another farewell.

He rinsed the glass, dried it and returned it to the top shelf of the cupboard. He could now hear footsteps coming softly down the hall and hastily shut the cupboard door, his movements jerky as he tried to quickly reach his suitcase.

A pair of sock clad feet came into view as he bent to grasp the handle. Slowly he followed the leg attached, desperately taking in every inch of skin he could see until his eyes reached her neck and his gaze fell upon Tonks' blotchy face.

He had spent the past month working her up to this moment and it had all come crashing down around him when the time finally came to say goodbye. Today she'd spent a good hour ignoring him, another arguing with him and then she had resorted to stubbornly pulling his clothes out of his suitcase and tossing them out of the window.

Remus had been annoyed at her actions but couldn't find it in him to get very angry, because when he'd returned from retrieving his possessions from the sidewalk she had been sprawled on the floor, sobbing into her hands.

It had frightened him to see Tonks cry like that because he'd never seen her cry before, not even when they had watched Titanic together and she had declared it the 'single most horrible, gut-wrenching movie ever'. He couldn't understand then, why something as trivial as himself had reduced her to a teary, blubbery mess.

Needless to say, it had been a horrible afternoon and was only bound to get worse. Staring across at Tonks now, he noticed the way her lip trembled despite her raised chin and hated every inch of himself for causing her this pain.

'I suppose you have a flight to catch,' she said finally, breaking the dreary silence that had fallen over them.

Remus nodded, his words caught behind the lump in his throat. He tugged his suitcase along behind him and towards the front door, casting a look back over his shoulder.

Tonks stood glaring at him, fresh tears on her cheeks and her hands clenched by her sides. In one last feeble attempt she relaxed her fists and held one pale hand out to him. 'Please, Remus,' she choked, her voice soft and broken. 'Please, please, let's work something out. I – I can go to Russia with you. Just please, please don't leave me like this.'

Remus slowly shook his head. Half of the reason he was leaving had lain within his decision to take up a teaching position at Durmstrang Academy, which Dumbledore had graciously offered him a few months back. Durmstrang would be the ideal job if it had not been for one small factor; that it was located deep within Russia, and that would mean leaving everything behind for a year, or maybe more if the job turned out well.

Tonks had decided it would be just fine for her to also move with Remus to Russia, an idea that Remus greatly disapproved of. Tonks had a job of her own after all and he did not expect her to up everything just to follow him on what she took to referring to as 'a modern day Peter Pan type adventure.'

The other reason he was leaving had to do with just that reference; Tonks was younger than him, and he was simply too poor to support her. For so long she had been mainly supplying for the two of them, and he was sick of dragging her down with him. He had told her this mere days ago, in an attempt to make her see reason.

'I don't care' she had replied and grabbed his coat, roughly shaking him. 'I. Don't. Fucking. Care.'

'Tonks, I am not about to ask you to quit your job and relocate to the other side of the world. And before you say anything, I do not think a long distance relationship will work,' Remus had said to her. 'I am too old for you and too poor. Do not be stupid and think that moving with me will fix anything, because it won't. The sooner you get over me the better.'

Remus was still rather ashamed of that particular argument, because after telling her to get over him he had kissed her so fiercely that his lips still felt as though they were burnt. She had accepted the kiss and pleaded for more, which he had given her despite his best interests. That particularly painful memory of waking up beside her and realising the previous night had been a momentary weakness on his behalf was all that was keeping him from running back to her side.

_She is strong_, he reminded himself. _She will get over you_.

'You can't come to Russia with me, Tonks,' he said softly, opening the door. 'Please get over me, and please don't try to contact me.'

He watched as Tonks let her head fall to her chest, as she let her body fall to the floor rather gracefully. It hit Remus hard to realise that he could not catch her, that he was no longer permitted to catch her like he had done so many times before.

Though he felt it was the worse way to leave her, so defeated and upset, he stepped out into the icy London afternoon, pulling his suitcase along behind him, and very carefully shut the door.


	2. Wish I Could Forget

**So I probably should have said this in the prologue, but it completely slipped my mind. This is an AU fic, in an entirely non-magical, Muggle world. **

**Everyone is alive at the moment, except for James and Lily. You know how it is with those two.**

**This chapter was a bit rushed, what with it being exam week and all. Hope you like it anyway.**

**Drop a review in if you have a chance, ta. **

* * *

_Funny how a heart shatters all at once;_

_seems like it should make a sound._

_-The Weepies, __"__Wish I Could Forget__"__._

Tonks winced as something heavy thumped her on the shoulder. She slowly stretched her aching limbs and cracked one eye open in search of whatever had awoken her from her peaceful slumber, cringing when she moved her leg and the numbness that was already present began to spread.

It took a moment, but her brain finally caught up to her body and the reality of the situation came crashing down around her.

Mad-Eye stood a few feet away regarding her with a look that could have been one of either pure annoyance or general concern. She was slumped against the side of the vending machine, half eaten chocolate bar in hand, and she cursed herself for even beginning to believe that the ground was a good place to take a nap.

In the middle of the day at work, she remembered suddenly, and jerked into a more decent position.

Mad-Eye took a step forward and offered her his hand. 'Bit of an odd place to fall asleep, lass.'

Tonks groaned as her legs protested against the sudden rush of blood to her feet. 'Sorry Mad-Eye,' she mumbled and rubbed a hand sleepily over her face. 'I was just getting a snack... I'm not really sure how I got to the ground...'

Mad-Eye gave her a once over and started to head back towards his office, catching Tonks' arm when she stumbled in her haste to keep up. 'You seem tired,' he said gruffly and she nodded.

'I had night shift last night.'

'No,' Mad-Eye said lowly as they passed by several cubicles. 'You seem tired all the time nowadays. How many extra shifts have you taken on?'

Tonks grimaced, her hand automatically clenching around the chocolate bar she was still carrying. 'A few. Not enough in my opinion.'

Mad-Eye led her into his office and shut the door behind her, indicating for her to sit in the seat opposite his own. 'You're running yourself into the ground,' he warned.

'I need the extra cash' Tonks admitted with a shrug. Her head was pounding just from the mere effort it had taken her to walk down the corridor and her stomach was cramping painfully. She leant her head back and closed her eyes, listening to the shuffle of papers as Mad-Eye skimmed through some reports.

'Tell me girl, how many hours have you worked in the last two weeks?' Mad-Eye asked.

Tonks screwed her face up and opened her eyes to look at him. He was watching her closely and she suddenly felt self conscious, though she knew that Mad-Eye would not be one to judge.

'272' she admitted feebly, curling a strand of fading red hair around her finger and scrutinising it closely.

It had been four weeks since Remus had left, and Tonks believed that she was coping absolutely fine. The first couple of weeks had gone by slowly; she had cried for a bit, punched a suspect when he got on her nerves and had spent six days chained to her desk as a punishment.

But then she had discovered the perfectly brilliant idea of distractions and had thrown herself into her work almost too enthusiastically. She had picked up extra shifts and had barely seen the inside of her apartment as a result, but it was what she needed.

That is, until time caught up with her body and the lack of sleep became too apparent to ignore.

Mad-Eye's gaze softened the slightest. 'You need to go home.'

Tonks nodded and let out a long breath. 'I don't want to.'

'Go home, get some sleep,' he ordered. 'You need it. And I don't want to see you for another week.'

Tonks groaned but bit back her retort, feeling the need for a fight leave her almost as quickly as it had come. Standing, she bid Mad-Eye goodbye and ditched the melted chocolate bar in his bin on her way out.

She made her way to her own desk, grabbed her trench coat and handbag and switched her computer off. Shrugging on her coat, she left the second floor via the back stairs and made her way outside.

The parking lot was empty save for one of the senior officers, Scarlett Proud, who stood leaning against the wall with a cigarette between her thin lips.

'Can I bum one?' Tonks asked.

Scarlett pulled a smoke out of the pack, lit it with her own and passed it to Tonks. They stood shoulder to shoulder, rubbing their arms to keep warm.

'Didn't know you smoked,' Scarlett said after a minute.

Tonks shrugged. 'Old habit. Haven't for years, really.'

'You going home?' Scarlett asked.

'Yea. Moody reckons I'm too tired,' Tonks replied. She squinted at the cars, trying to find hers, when she remembered that she had caught a lift in with Kingsley a few days ago.

'Fuck,' she muttered, and took an extra long drag. 'Looks like I'm walking.'

Scarlett dropped her smoke and stamped it out, turning to regard Tonks. 'I would take ya, but my lunch is over now.'

'It's fine' Tonks sighed. 'The walk will do me good. Thanks for the ciggy.'

Scarlett left and after a moment's hesitation in which she considered going back inside and begging someone to drop her home, Tonks started off in the opposite direction.

The air was colder than usual and bit at her exposed cheeks as she slowly made her way down the busy sidewalk. A few people pushed past her but she barely payed them attention, using all of her remaining energy on focusing on where she was walking.

Of course it was bound to happen, and after navigating around a large crack in the pavement, Tonks found herself rather ungracefully falling to her knees after knocking shoulders with someone who was travelling in the opposite direction.

'Shit' she muttered, pushing herself up into a squatting position and inspecting the new rip in her work pants. She caught sight of who she had rammed into and groaned. 'Shit.'

Molly Weasley hovered by Tonks' side, eyes wide and too kind. 'Oh Tonks, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there,' she said and offered a hand.

Once on her feet, Tonks gave the older woman a tight smile and pretended not to care that she hadn't gotten the chance to finish her cigarette. 'It's fine, Molly, really...'

Molly frowned and straightened Tonks' collar, her fingers of her free hand tightly curled around the handles of two plastic bags. 'I didn't recognise you dear. You're very pale; yes, you're looking a bit too peaky for my liking.'

Fighting the urge to roll her eyes – because she certainly wasn't in the mood to be coddled by Molly Weasley – Tonks nodded her head towards the bags. 'Been shopping?'

'Oh yes' Molly said, as if just remembering what she had been doing before running into Tonks. 'Yes, I had to quickly duck to the supermarket. Arthur's got the car so I took the bus.'

Tonks looked over Molly's shoulder and noticed for the first time the bus stop and the crowd of people that had gathered there. She was closer to her apartment then she had realised.

'It's Ginny, you see' Molly continued, drawing Tonks' attention back to the conversation. 'She's... well, you know what happens when you grow up. The boys are furious she's getting the day off; I didn't tell them why, just that she wasn't feeling well. The poor thing, we weren't prepared.'

Molly rustled the bag as if proving a point and laughed. 'I suppose that's what happens when you have one girl after so many boys, you forget about "that time of the month".'

Tonks nodded and forced a smile, stuffing her hands into her jacket pockets as she was suddenly hit with a startling thought. Pushing it aside, she said, 'I hope you got her chocolate too then.'

'We have some at home. She's probably already eaten half the block' Molly answered as a bus pulled up to the curb. She reached out and rubbed Tonks arm. 'I'll have to go then. Come for dinner wont you Tonks? You're always welcome.'

'Thank you' Tonks said sincerely and watched the woman walk away. 'Bye.'

She waited until Molly had boarded the bus before changing direction and walking back the way she had come, her mind whirring. It was what Molly had said, "that time of the month", that had Tonks thinking so hard. If her calculations were correct, she had been due three days ago.

She had missed her period before, especially when she had been beginning her police training. She had barely eaten, was overworked and exhausted back then; much the same as she was now. In fact, it was almost normal for her to skip one every few months.

Tonks sighed as she found a small corner shop and pushed the door open, stepping into the little warmth it offered. She found the aisle she was looking for and blindly grabbed two boxes of tampons, her eyes scanning the opposite aisle and the array of sweets it showcased.

She picked up a small bag of chips and four Freddo's before making her way to the counter. The adolescent boy who had to serve her hesitated as he noticed her items and looked extremely embarrassed when he had to scan them.

'W – would you like a bag?' he asked, voice squeaking, and if Tonks hadn't of been so tired she would have found the situation highly amusing.

'Nah, I'll chuck 'em in here' she said, and held her handbag open for the boy. He placed her items in and drew his hands away as if he had been burnt, earning himself an eye roll from Tonks as she handed him her money.

'Ta mate' she said before leaving, drawing her jacket tighter around her body and ducking her head against the slight drizzle of rain that had started.

By the time she reached her apartment there was a full storm underway and Tonks' spirits were low. Busting for the loo and experiencing stomach cramps that had slowed down her journey from the shop significantly, Tonks ran to the bathroom without even bothering to take off her muddy boots.

Tonks reached into her bag and pulled out one of the boxes of tampons, ripping it open without paying much attention to what she was doing. She hummed a Weird Sisters song as she pulled the tampon out of its wrapper but abruptly stopped when her fingers wrapped around plastic and not the absorbent material she had been expecting.

Her fingers released the offending item and she heard it hit the bottom of the toilet with a small _clunk _noise. She searched desperately for the box she had picked up and felt her heart stop beating as she stared at the label.

Unknowingly, she had just brought two boxes of pregnancy tests, and now one was resting in the porcelain bowels of her loo.

'Shit' Tonks muttered and stood, discarding her pants and boots on the ground as she kneeled in front of the toilet. With a crinkled nose she looked inside, discovering the plastic stick resting in a pool of loo water and her own piss.

'What are the rules on flushing pregnancy tests down the toilet?' she thought out loud as she carefully stood and examined the situation. 'There is no way I am sticking my hand in there.'

She padded into the kitchen and scavenged through some drawers until she found a pair of tongs. Figuring there was nothing better to use, Tonks took them with her back to the bathroom and, after a moment's hesitation where she considered just leaving it there forever, she plunged the tongs into the toilet and successfully retrieved the test.

She tossed the tongs and test straight into the bin and immediately washed her hands very thoroughly twice. _God_, she thought to herself as she finally began to undress. _Brilliant work there, Tonks. Fucking genius, you are, picking up something like that. _

Now dressed comfortably in her pyjamas, Tonks returned to the kitchen and gladly took the chips and chocolate out of her handbag. She settled with them on the couch, switched on the TV, and prepared herself for a lonely night.

* * *

Tonks finished brushing her teeth and reached into her makeup bag for her moisturiser. She tied her hair into a loose bun and was just rubbing the cream into her cheeks when she noticed, out of the corner of her eye, the tongs sticking out of the top of the bin.

'Ew' she grumbled and reached down to close the lid properly. Instead, of course, she lost her balance, knocked the whole bin over and ended up on her arse.

Mumbling profanities under her breath, Tonks wiped her hands clean on her singlet and began to pick up the contents of the bin. And there, resting by the wall well away from everything else, was the pregnancy test, complete with two tiny pink lines.

Tonks stopped what she was doing, her heart almost jumping out of her chest as she reached with shaky hands to pick up the plastic stick. She brought it closer to her face, praying that what she was seeing was a hallucination from lack of sleep.

Taking a deep breath, she found the box and read the instructions carefully. Take out of wrapper, pee on stick, wait five minutes for results. One line means it's negative, two means it's positive.

Tonks took a deep breath, dropped both the box and the test, and tried not to freak out.

_Oh fuck. _


	3. Lifeforms

**Mentions of abortion. If that's not your thing, don't read. Also sorry for like not updating in two weeks. Life has been hectic. And this was once again rushed.**

**Would love for you to tell me what you think.**

* * *

_Find the children who discretely,_

_be killed in infancy. _

_-Daughter, "Lifeforms"._

The top of the page curled down and Tonks groaned; she'd been halfway through a sentence. The paperwork had been rolled for some stupid reason and the clipboard she was using to write on did nothing to keep the paper straight.

Biting her lip in frustration, she flipped the page up again and found the question she had been answering: _do you drink alcohol? If yes, when was the last time you consumed an alcoholic beverage?_

Tonks took a deep breath and continued to scribble down the answer she had made up. She couldn't remember the last time that she had drunk alcohol, but she was positive that it had been sometime before Remus had left.

Remus.

Remus had left five and a half weeks ago. She had tried to do the math, tried to figure out how far along she was, but she didn't want to make it seem more real and had given up.

No matter what she did or how she looked at it, she couldn't comprehend that she was even the slightest bit pregnant. Apart from having a horrendous headache that hadn't left her for a week and the occasional urge to throw up, Tonks could almost pretend that she _wasn't _carrying a tiny human being inside of her.

Which was why she was sitting on a hard plastic chair in the middle of a waiting room, trying hard not to pay attention to the other women who were judging her.

Tonks had never been inside of an Abortion Clinic before and had never thought that she would one day find herself filling out a form that would ultimately rid her of the only part of Remus she had left to hang onto.

She still loved Remus so much that it made her heart ache and her decision that much harder to make.

Honestly, there was nothing she could think of that worked in favour of her having an abortion. She had panicked at the last minute and seen no other way out; but now that she was sitting there, surrounded by quiet people – sadpeople really – she was beginning to think that she had made the wrong choice.

Tonks sighed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, nervously and very cautiously moving her fingers to graze over the thin fabric covering her stomach. It was flat, though she wasn't sure what she had been expecting to feel.

She pressed harder, trying to imagine something fitting in there. Tonks knew how big babies could be when they were born and was terrified by the thought that her stomach wouldn't stretch far enough, silly a thought as it was.

She had had several nightmares since finding out about her pregnancy, and in each one her baby grew and grew until she could no longer accommodate it within her. After that the baby either ate its way out of her stomach or she exploded.

The latter was what made her wake up drenched in cold sweat, shaking uncontrollably.

It was a stupid nightmare, but Tonks found herself thinking about it more than she would have liked. It was too vivid, too _real_, though she had never heard of anyone ever exploding during their pregnancy.

She hated that she felt so torn, that she felt like she was committing the biggest crime against herself. Tonks removed her hand from her stomach and glanced down at the paperwork once more.

The next question listed read: _are you allergic to any medications? If so, list them below._

Tonks couldn't even begin to think of what she was allergic to, because her stomach was doing back flips and the lady next to her was getting called through and this couldn't possibly be the right thing to do.

She stood quickly and stumbled over to the receptionist's desk.

'You can have these. I changed my mind' she blurted and thrust the clipboard through the opening in the glass window. The nurse behind the counter raised an eyebrow.

'You changed your mind?' she asked. Her nametag read 'Helga' and Tonks couldn't help but think that it was the worst name ever, besides her own.

'Yes' Tonks said, standing straighter and trying to appear confident in the way her mother always did. _Her mother_. Suddenly, she had the longing to see her mother, to tell her about the pregnancy and ask her advice on what she should do.

Helga took the paperwork, glanced at it briefly, and then pulled it off the clipboard and put it through the shredder. She handed Tonks a brochure. 'Take this in case you change your mind.' She looked down her nose at Tonks, her lips twisting into an ugly sneer. 'Again.'

Now fighting both her anger and nausea, Tonks left the Clinic without looking back, the brochure crumpled in her hand.

* * *

Tonks raised her clenched fist a few inches away from the door, contemplating on whether or not she should go inside. She didn't have to think for long, however, as the door suddenly opened and Andromeda appeared in the door frame, her grey eyes narrowed.

'What are you doing standing outside?' she asked, crossing her arms over her chest. 'You never knock, despite my effort to have you do so. Why the sudden change in behaviour?'

Tonks scuffed her boot against the welcome mat and avoided her mother's gaze. 'Wasn't sure if I was gonna come in' she muttered. Andromeda gave her daughter a once over and then grabbed Tonks' arm, dragging her through the door.

'Ted!' she called, closing the door behind them. 'Ted, Nymphadora is here.'

Tonks rolled her eyes, kicked her shoes off and followed her mother down the hallway of her childhood home. Her father was in the kitchen, newspaper spread out before him and wireless radio beside his elbow, which was blaring a tune that Tonks had never heard before.

He opened his arms to her and she stepped into them willingly, feeling the familiar comfort that was associated with his touch settling over her.

'Nice to see you, stranger' he said as he released her.

'Yes' Andromeda said coolly as she put the kettle on. 'We haven't seen you for a few weeks now. Even a phone call would have been nice.'

'Now now, Andy' Ted said. 'Darling Dora has probably just been busy with work.'

'Well it would have been nice to hear something, so we knew that you hadn't been injured' Andromeda huffed. She glanced at her daughter's hair. 'Though it is nice to see that you are finally coming to your senses and wearing your hair its natural colour.'

Tonks shared a look with Ted when Andromeda turned her back and the older man laughed, pulling out the chair beside him. 'Sit down girly. Tell us, what has been going on in the wonderful world of Dora these days?'

Tonks stared at the chair and slowly shook her head, bringing her thumb up to her mouth so she could gnaw on the corner of her nail. Though she had long ago stopped sucking her thumb, Ted made the connection between her automatic response to calm her nerves and her past habit and frowned.

'Dora, what's wrong?'

Andromeda passed a mug of steaming tea to Tonks and scrutinised her closely. 'What aren't you telling us Nymphadora?'

'I think it would be a lot more comfortable in the lounge' Tonks said softly, and without waiting for an answer she made her way over to the couch and curled up in one corner.

After a moment Andromeda and Ted followed, each taking their respective seats. Tonks slurped at her tea and received an angry scowl from Andromeda, but she didn't really care as much as she ought to.

Ted was the first to notice the now extremely crumpled brochure that she still clutched in her left hand. 'What's that you've got Dora?'

Tonks paid him no attention, turning to address her mother. 'I have something to tell you.'

Andromeda looked on expectantly, the perfect image of elegance and poise as she crossed her ankles and folded her hands.

'I, um...' Tonks began, suddenly unsure of how to continue. Taking a deep breath, she decided on a different course than the one she had originally planned and asked, 'you guys remember Remus, of course, don't you?'

Andromeda scoffed and Ted sighed very loudly. 'You were together for a year and he broke your heart, how _could_ we forget?' Andromeda snapped.

'Well' Tonks said, ignoring her and inspecting her tea closely. 'He left almost six weeks ago.'

'Good' Andromeda muttered under her breath, and Ted shot her a warning look.

'Go on, Dora' he encouraged.

Tonks sat up and glared at her mother. 'What I'm trying to say' she said loudly, her previous insecurities giving way to anger at her mother's comments. 'Is that I'm pregnant.'

Ted spat his coffee down his front, his eyes wide. Andromeda took a calm sip of her own tea, which was more unsettling to Tonks than her father's reaction.

'What?!' Ted cried, slamming his cup down on the small table beside his armchair. 'What do you mean, pregnant?!'

Tonks turned to face him. 'I'm having a baby, dad.'

'How?' Ted asked, his face now turning an odd shade of red. 'How on Earth are you pregnant?'

'I'd rather not go into the details of it,' Tonks muttered, a blush now creeping up her own cheeks from embarrassment.

'I'm sure you know quite well how children are conceived Ted, having been through the process yourself' Andromeda said.

'But' Ted spluttered, looking wildly between his wife and daughter. 'No, Dora hasn't... she can't have had...'

'Please' Tonks groaned, her head now in her hands. 'Let's not have this conversation. I'm pregnant, dad, which means, yes, I have had sex at least once in my life. I'm not a little kid.'

'You may not be little, but you're still only a child!' Ted argued. 'God Dora, what were you thinking?'

'I'm twenty-one dad and I'm old enough to make my own decisions' Tonks said hotly, feeling tears burn the back of her eyes. She could not cry, not now. 'I am going to have a baby and I would appreciate a little support.'

Andromeda set her cup down and trained her eyes on Tonks' belly. 'Who's the father?'

Tonks stared at her mother, mouth hanging open. It took a moment for her to compose herself. 'What do you think I've been doing mum, sleeping around this past month? Remus is the father. It's always been him' she said softly.

'And are you going to tell him?' Andromeda asked.

If there was one thing that Tonks had thoroughly thought through, it was whether or not she would tell Remus about the pregnancy. And her answer from the very beginning had been no.

No.

She wanted Remus to come back to her because he loved her, not feel obliged to because she was carrying his child and he ought to do the decent thing and pay child support. If he was to come back next week, or next month, and confess that he still loved her, she would confess that she was pregnant, and then they would live happily ever after.

Tonks shook her head and Andromeda gave her a tight smile. 'Maybe you should.'

'No' Tonks said. 'No, I won't. I won't make him feel like he has to come back. This teaching position is a good opportunity for him.'

Andromeda shrugged her delicate shoulders and relaxed into her chair. Ted was staring blankly at the wall, his hands curled into tight fists. Tonks couldn't help but feel slightly uncomfortable.

'What are you going to do?' Andromeda said.

'Dunno.'

'How far along are you?'

'Dunno.'

Andromeda sighed and turned now to Ted. 'Go change your shirt dear. And go take a walk.'

Ted stood automatically, but he avoided Tonks' eyes as he left, muttering under his breath. 'Stupid girl, thrown her whole life away. How could she be so _stupid_?'

Once he had left, Andromeda moved to sit beside Tonks. 'He'll get over it. It was just a shock. You're still very much our baby girl.'

'I can't be treated like that anymore though mum' Tonks said. 'I'm an adult.'

'I know' Andromeda replied sadly. 'I know you are. It breaks my heart to hear you talk about your work and the danger you are in. What if I was to receive a phone call one day... I can't even begin to imagine losing you, Nymphadora.'

'You're not losing me' Tonks said hoarsely, her eyes once again filling with tears. 'I'm... I'm just having a baby.'

'Darling, I don't think you realise the responsibility and commitment involved in having a baby' Andromeda said. She wrapped her hand around Tonks' and gently pried her fingers away from the brochure. She pulled it out, straightened it, and glanced at the front cover. 'Oh, Nymphadora.'

Tonks tried so hard to hold the tears in, but she was feeling so overwhelmed, and her mother was rubbing her back and after the first one fell, what was the point of holding back all the others?

She leant into her mother's touch, resting her head on Andromeda's shoulder as she sniffled and made embarrassing crying noises. 'I don't know if I can do it' she admitted in a rush, wiping furiously at her eyes. 'I can't be a mum. I'm too young. I don't know anything about raising a baby. And I'm scared mum, so, so scared that it makes me wake up at night shaking.'

Andromeda wrapped her arms around Tonks' shoulders and brushed her hair off of her face. 'But is an abortion the right option? What if you could give the child to another family, who could care for it and love it?'

'I don't want to kill it' Tonks said. 'I don't want to kill it and have to live with that because what if it found the cure for cancer, or AIDS, or started a really banging band and became world famous?'

Andromeda laughed softly and squeezed her daughter tightly. 'Nymphadora, there are certainly other factors that you need to consider. But,' she added when Tonks sniffed particularly loudly. 'Those are the important ones.'

Tonks was quiet as Andromeda slowly rocked her. She couldn't stop thinking about the look on her father's face, the look on the faces of all the women waiting for their own abortions. It was as though the world believed that she couldn't have a baby, as though it was challenging her to carry this through all the way.

And if it was a challenge the universe was asking for, than it was a challenge that Tonks would accept.

'You know,' Andromeda said quietly, breaking into Tonks' train of thought. 'When I found out I was pregnant with you I cried for about three hours. I was terrified.'

'But you're such a good mum' Tonks protested.

'Oh, I know that' Andromeda said casually. 'But I wasn't to begin with. I was young, not quite your age.' She paused to give Tonks a disapproving look. 'I was twenty-six, actually. But it was still scary. It always will be.'

Tonks sighed. 'Dad thinks I'm stupid. I didn't mean to get pregnant.'

'Hmm?'

'Remus and I fought, maybe a week before he left. And he told me to get over him, but he kissed me and I... I wanted more. We didn't think. We didn't... take time to think about the consequences.' Tonks blushed. 'I didn't want to lose him.'

'Nymphadora, you have made a huge mistake, I won't lie to you about that,' Andromeda told her. 'But I think if you have an abortion, you will ultimately be making a much bigger mistake. I may not have tremendous faith in you, but I know that you are not one to take things sitting down. And I know,' she added gently, pressing a kiss to Tonks' forehead, 'that you will make a better than average mother if you do decide to keep the child.'

Tonks closed her eyes and breathed in the smell of her mother's perfume. She pushed herself down until her head was resting comfortably in Andromeda's lap.

'You're father will come round, my darling,' Andromeda said, running her fingers through Tonks' limp hair. 'And we will support you, no matter what choice you make.'

'I just want it to go away. I didn't ask for this' Tonks said softly. 'I just wanted Remus to stay.'

'Remus was a foolish man with foolish excuses,' Andromeda said. 'You can't cling to him like this; it's unhealthy Nymphadora.'

'I love him so much' Tonks murmured. 'I don't think I will ever stop loving him. And I can't forget him, not now.' Tonks dropped her hand to her stomach and traced a light circle around her bellybutton.

Andromeda stilled Tonks' hand and laid her own on top of it, watching it rise and fall with the rhythm of Tonks' breathing. 'Tomorrow we will book an ultrasound appointment for you. We will research your alternatives,' Andromeda said. 'And we will talk to your father. He will never stop loving you, Nymphadora, but you are his only daughter. He is just being protective.'

Tonks cracked one eye open. 'Do I have to go home tonight?'

'Nonsense' Andromeda said. 'Of course you are staying here. You need a good night's rest and a decent meal, not any of the takeout I know you buy almost every night.' She laughed and squeezed Tonks' hand. 'You can stay here for as long as you like. You are always welcome. I think it will be good for all three of us, to spend a little time together.'

Tonks closed her eyes again and settled down. Her head wasn't hurting as much anymore, and she felt warmer than she had for several weeks.

'I love you mum' she murmured sleepily. 'Thanks.'

Andromeda smiled and leaned down to place a kiss on Tonks' forehead. 'I love you too Nymphadora.'

Tonks' breathing had soon evened out and she slept on peacefully, for once not plagued by nightmares of babies and explosions. Andromeda finally let her guard fall and leaned back into the couch, her breath shaky.

Ted re-entered the room and regarded his wife and daughter. He met Andromeda's gaze.

'What are we gonna do?'

Andromeda closed her own eyes and shook her head. 'My poor girl. I have no idea.'


	4. Untitled

**It's been a while. I apologise, and I'd blame it on the Taylor Swift concert I went to but seriously, I'm just lazy. **

**Please keep in mind that I am a teenager. I have never been pregnant. I also spent like a week researching this kind of stuff and stressing about the timeline of this story. It's taken me a while to organise it.**

**Anyway, please tell me what you think. **

* * *

_It's perfectly ok,_

_I'm afraid, too._

_-La Dispute, "Untitled"._

Tonks jolted awake and clenched her shaking hands into tight fists. She took a few deep breaths to try and steady her erratic heartbeat, and once she felt calmer she fell back onto her pillows with a groan.

It took her a moment to realise that she was still at her parent's house and had been moved to her old bedroom sometime after falling asleep. It was comforting to see that band posters still lined the walls and there were even a few crumpled clothes scattered around. Though Andromeda always maintained the tidiness of her house, it seemed that she still refused to clean her daughter's room for her.

Tonks could hear the low voices of her parents and presumed that they were in the kitchen. Glancing at the clock and noticing the time, she swore and swung her legs over the side of her bed.

Her stomach lurched with the movement and she suddenly felt the very real need to throw up everywhere. She sat still, hand clamped over her mouth, and waited for the nausea to subside.

The past few mornings had been the same, and Tonks chastised herself for not learning from her past mistakes. On Tuesday she'd done the same thing, except she hadn't been able to keep it down and had spewed all over her new boots.

Taking a deep breath, Tonks cautiously stood and left her bedroom. She still felt queasy but tried not to dwell on it too much. If she was planning on at least carrying the baby full-term then she'd have to get used to the feeling sooner or later.

In the kitchen Andromeda was cooking and simultaneously speaking on the phone. Ted was sitting in his usual place at the table, staring at the wall even though the morning's paper was folded in front of him. Tonks paused beside the doorway and lowered herself to the ground, peeking around the corner so she could see into the room.

'Yes I am still here' Andromeda snapped into the phone. 'I have been for the past five minutes.'

She felt so stupid sitting there, spying on her parents the way she used to when she was younger and they were fighting. But she felt uncomfortable, almost as though she wasn't welcome in her childhood home anymore, and that was without even seeing her parent's. She couldn't imagine what she would feel when she stepped into the kitchen.

'Yes, I need to book an ultrasound appointment for my daughter' Andromeda said and Tonks immediately perked up at the mention of an ultrasound. 'Her name is Nymphadora Tonks.'

There was a pause and then, 'Nymphadora Tonks. You spell it with an N. Do you know how to spell Nymph? Yes, okay.' Andromeda sighed very loudly and Tonks saw her place her spare hand on her hip, taking the stance of defence that Tonks was all too familiar with.

'You use the words Nymph and Dora and... oh god, it's N-Y-M-P-H-A...'

Tonks tuned out and focused on her father, who was now holding his coffee cup up to his mouth but not actually drinking from it. He rubbed at his eye absentmindedly and turned to slowly watch Andromeda.

'Whenever your next opening is will be fine with her. Yes, I'll hold' she said.

'Does she need one of those appointments?' Ted asked lowly.

'Yes' Andromeda replied and flipped an egg while she had the chance. 'She will need to have ultrasound appointments all throughout the pregnancy. You remember coming to most of mine.'

'Yes' Ted said and fiddled with the corner of the paper. 'So that means she is keeping it?'

'She's not sure. We'll go to an appointment and she will think through her options' Andromeda told him. 'Ted, please don't be like this. Nymphadora is scared and needs our support. I know you don't like the idea of her growing up but it happened a long time ago and you need to accept that.'

Tonks watched her dad turn back to stare at the wall. Andromeda watched him too and then returned her attention to the phone. 'This afternoon? Of course. That will be perfect. Thank you.'

As Andromeda placed the phone back on the cradle Tonks stood and awkwardly made her way into the kitchen. Andromeda offered her a tight smile as she stumbled over to her own seat at the table, directly across from her father.

'Good morning' Andromeda chirped and placed a plate full with toast and eggs in front of Tonks. 'Sleep well?'

'Um, yea...' Tonks answered and pushed her egg around with her fork.

'Don't play with your food Nymphadora' Andromeda said with a frown. 'I booked you an ultrasound appointment for 1:30 this afternoon.'

'I know' Tonks murmured and shot a quick look at her dad, who was avoiding meeting her gaze. 'I heard.'

Andromeda grabbed her own plate and sat at the head of the table, glancing between her husband and daughter with raised eyebrows. 'Do I need to leave the two of you alone?'

'No' Ted said quickly and opened his newspaper. 'No, we're fine.'

'Dad' Tonks mumbled around a mouthful of egg. Andromeda shook her head disapprovingly but otherwise didn't comment on her daughter's eating habits. 'Dad, I think we need to...'

Ted stood and inched his way towards the door. 'I think the plants need watering, best I do that before...'

'Edward, you sit down right now and speak to your daughter' Andromeda shouted, banging her hand onto the table. 'Act like a grown man, look your daughter in the eye and stop being such a prat.'

Reluctantly Ted returned to the table, and after a moment's hesitation cautiously met Tonks' eyes. She offered him a small smile and proceeded to mash her egg until it looked like porridge, which really did nothing to settle her stomach.

'Nymphadora, I don't know how to react to this' Ted admitted. 'I thought you'd have been smart enough, _responsible _enough, to take the necessary precautions to prevent something like this from happening.'

Once when she was younger, Ted had sat Tonks down after she had overheard him fighting with Andromeda and explained to her why people who loved each other sometimes disagreed. He told her that when she was born, he had loved Andromeda so much that he had let her name their only daughter Nymphadora, even though he thought it was a silly name. Tonks had giggled and agreed.

The only time he had called her by her full first name had been when she was twelve and came home from Hogwarts for the Christmas holidays with a pierced nose and pink hair. She remembered that Andromeda had grounded her and Ted had yelled for a very long time until she was nearly crying.

Now, she felt like crying all over again. Her father had dropped the dreaded 'N' word that they both hated and she no longer knew where she stood with him.

'Dad, I'm just having a baby' Tonks stressed. 'It could be a lot worse. I could have become addicted to hard drugs. What would you prefer?'

'Baby' Andromeda said immediately. 'If I ever hear that you have even _thought_ about doing drugs, then God help me Nymphadora I'll –'

'No, no, no' Tonks interrupted, holding her hands up to stop her mother's tirade. 'I'm a cop, mum. I'm pretty sure that drugs go against basically everything that I do.' She shook her head and ran a hand messily through her hair. 'Besides, we're not talking about that. We're talking about your future grandchild.'

Ted squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. 'Your mother told me you didn't know if you were keeping it.'

Tonks heaved a sigh and leant back in her chair. 'Look, I don't even know how far along I am. And I don't even want to think about what I'll do in, like, eight months time. I just want to get through the rest of this week first.'

Andromeda carefully chewed a piece of her toast and raised an eyebrow at Ted expectantly. He regarded Tonks carefully.

'I do love you' he said slowly. 'I will always love you. Hell, you could kill somebody tomorrow and I'd still love you.'

'Ted' Andromeda warned, frowning, and Ted rolled his eyes.

'Right. What I'm trying to say kiddo, is that I love you no matter what you do. I'll support you with whatever choice you make. But... it's gonna take me a while to wrap my head around the idea of you being pregnant.'

Tonks smiled at his words and reached across the table to grab his hand. 'Thank you dad. It means a lot to me.'

Andromeda stood and took her plate to the sink. 'I'm glad that you both managed to work things out so quickly. I hate seeing you so distressed Nymphadora, and Edward...' She trailed off as she filled the sink with warm water and added a fair amount of dish washing liquid. 'Well, I hate living in the same space as you when you're in a mood.'

Tonks laughed and scooped up some egg sloppily, shoving the whole forkful into her mouth. She paused in chewing as the eggs, slimy and slightly lumpy, rolled around inside of her mouth. She felt bile rise in her throat and let her fork drop onto the table as she clamped both hands over her mouth.

'Dora?' Ted asked. 'Are you o –'

Tonks clambered to her feet and rushed from the room, tripping over the rug and barely making it to the bathroom. She fell over the toilet just as she began to throw up what she had eaten in the past day.

Andromeda skidded to a halt at the bathroom door as she noticed Tonks on the ground. She walked up behind her and pulled her hair back, tying it at the nape of her neck.

'Oh darling. I know, I know' Andromeda sighed, helping Tonks lean back and then reaching over to flush the toilet. She fetched a facecloth and dampened it slightly before crouching beside Tonks and gently wiping her face.

'This sucks' Tonks mumbled. 'This is the second time it's happened.'

'Only the second?' Andromeda chuckled lightly and folded the cloth. 'Oh Nymphadora. You're in for a treat then.'

Tonks groaned and stood, walking over to the sink to fill the glass there with water. She swirled the liquid around in her mouth and spat it back into the sink, splattering the mirror in the process. Andromeda groaned and pulled Tonks out of the room by her arm before she could make any more mess.

'Honestly Nymphadora' she said as they walked back down the hall and into the kitchen. 'I'd like to have thought that you had become more hygienic as you matured.'

Tonks huffed and dropped back into her chair, sticking her tongue out at her dad when he laughed at her.

'Obviously neither of those things have happened yet' Andromeda said dryly. Ted's laughter grew louder, and despite her best efforts not to, Tonks couldn't help but join in, feeling genuine happiness for the first time in weeks.

* * *

Tonks fiddled nervously with the hem of her shirt as she followed Andromeda into the Ultrasound Clinic. It was different to the Abortion Clinic and for that she was thankful; her brief experience there had left her feeling extremely uneasy and she hated the idea of ever going back.

Inside, there were more women seated than in the Abortion Clinic, all of them clearly pregnant and visibly happy. It made Tonks feel self conscious to realise that not only did she look the youngest in the room, but she was also the only one not accompanied by a male. Her hands strayed to her flat stomach and she tried to calm her nerves as she stopped by Andromeda's side at the front desk.

'We have an appointment booked for Nymphadora Tonks at 1:30' Andromeda told the man behind the desk, smiling politely.

He found some paperwork and handed it over. 'I believe Doctor Wilson will be seeing you today. Just fill these forms out and we'll see to you shortly.'

Tonks groaned and stared at the forms in disdain. 'I hate paperwork. It's bloody stupid.'

'Nymphadora!' Andromeda scolded, frowning, but the man only laughed.

'No, I agree. Paperwork sucks,' he said.

Tonks squinted to try and read the badge pinned to the left side of his shirt. Chad, it stated his name was, and she smiled at him before they turned to find a seat.

Once sitting, Andromeda set straight to work filling out the forms. Tonks glanced around at all the expectant mothers and tried to imagine her stomach ever getting that big, which just brought on more thoughts about her nightmares. She shook her head and inspected her nails idly, holding them up to the light and scowling at her chipped nail polish.

'Sometimes I think it's a waste of time painting my nails. They don't last long enough,' a voice to Tonks' right said and she looked over to see a woman with dark hair and kind blue eyes staring at her own fingernails.

'God, I know. They should make heavy duty nail polish that lasts for a month or something' Tonks responded.

The woman grinned and held out her hand for Tonks to shake. 'I'm Lena. Is this your first ultrasound?'

'Tonks, and yea, it is.'

'Tonks?' Lena queried, raising an eyebrow. 'That's an unusual first name. No offense.'

'Oh, it's my last name' Tonks said. She risked a glance at her mother, who looked rather annoyed, and huffed. 'My first name is Nymphadora. I don't like it. I prefer Tonks.'

'That's cool' Lena said, shrugging her shoulders. 'I understand. My full name is Adalena. I just go by Lena because it's easier. Do people call you Dora? Or Nymph?'

'My cousin calls me Nymph. I hate that' Tonks growled. 'It's so stupid. And my dad calls me Dora. My dear mother _insists _on Nymphadora though.'

Lena laughed and rested her hand on the barely there bump of her stomach. 'How far along are you Tonks?'

'I don't know yet. I suppose I'll find out today' Tonks answered. 'What about you?'

'Sixteen weeks.' Lena glanced at the man sitting beside her and reached for his hand, squeezing it gently. 'We're having a boy.'

'Oh congrats' Tonks said, leaning forward to get a better look at Lena's partner. He nodded towards her and she had the distinctive feeling she'd seen him before, though she couldn't place his face for the life of her. 'Have you thought of any names?'

'Not really. We've still got plenty of time' Lena replied softly.

A nurse entered the waiting room, glanced at the page in front of her and then said in monotone, 'Nymphadora Tonks?'

Lena smiled and patted Tonks' arm. 'Good luck' she whispered as Tonks stood and stumbled her way over to the nurse. Andromeda and the nurse exchanged light comments as they walked side by side down a corridor with Tonks trailing behind. They stopped outside of Exam Room #6 and barely had a moment to register what was going on before the door opened to reveal a woman with very shiny brunette hair.

She smiled and ushered Tonks and Andromeda in. 'Nymphadora Tonks is it? Unusual name, but very interesting. Just sit on the examination bed there dear.'

Tonks sat and crossed her ankles the way she had been shown when she was a child, sitting stiller that she had in a very long time. 'Just Tonks' she said shakily, folding her hands in her lap. 'I try to pretend my first name doesn't exist.'

Andromeda heaved a deep sigh and offered a tight smile to Doctor Wilson as she passed the paperwork over. 'Please ignore my daughter's snide comments. I would like to say that she's tired, or irritable, but unfortunately she is like this all of the time.'

Doctor Wilson laughed softly and sat on the chair opposite the bed. 'Dually noted. My name is Gemma Wilson, but please feel free to call me Gemma. Now Miss Tonks, I understand that this is your first pregnancy?'

Tonks' own tentative smile faded. 'Yes.'

'Do you know how far along you are?'

'No. I guess that's the reason I'm here,' Tonks replied, and then feeling as though she should add something, she said, 'I don't have one of those baby bumps. Is that normal?' A sudden thought crossed her mind. 'Maybe I'm not pregnant!'

Andromeda sighed again and brought a hand up to cover her face. Tonks' brow furrowed as Gemma laughed again. 'Every woman is different. Some don't start to show until well into their second trimester' she explained. 'Don't worry about it. Now, when was your last menstrual cycle?'

'Um' Tonks said, chewing her lip and trying to pretend that she couldn't feel heat rising on her cheeks. 'It started on the 30th of July I think. It definitely ended on the 3rd of August.'

'Okay. And when was the last time that you had sexual intercourse?' Gemma asked. She noticed the look on Tonks face and smiled. 'Sorry love. I can ask your mum to leave if you like.'

Tonks tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and shook her head. 'No it's fine. August 12th was the last time I... yea.'

Gemma scribbled a few notes down and turned to regard both Andromeda and Tonks. 'When we estimate your due date we usually count forward 40 weeks from the beginning of your last period, even though for the first two weeks allotted to your pregnancy you're not actually pregnant. So that means that you're eight weeks pregnant, even if it's only been six weeks since conception.'

Tonks nodded, absorbing the information as best she could. Her mind spun and she was glad she'd allowed her mother to come, as Andromeda looked like she understood absolutely everything that was being said.

Gemma reached into a draw and pulled out what looked like a hospital gown. 'Here' she said as she passed it to Tonks. 'There's a bathroom just through that door. You need to take off everything before you put it on.'

Tonks accepted the gown and let herself into the bathroom that Gemma had pointed out. Once inside, she held the gown at arm's length and winced, before sitting on the toilet and beginning to unlace her boots.

From the other side of the door she could hear Gemma and Andromeda exchange light words. She pulled her shirt off and stared at herself in the small mirror, frowning at her lack of a baby bump. Grumbling, she finished getting undressed and shrugged the gown on, before padding back out into the examination room.

Gemma indicated to a large chair to the edge of the room. 'Up you get Tonks. Make yourself comfortable.'

Tonks clambered into the chair and took a deep breath. Andromeda appeared at her side and laid a hand on her shoulder gently, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

'I'll get you to put your feet up in those stirrups just there' Gemma told Tonks, and helped her hitch her legs up. 'Have you drunk anything since this morning? I should have asked that before you got up here.'

'No' Tonks answered. 'Mum wouldn't let me.'

'That's good. Your mum knows her stuff.'

'I didn't think she would be far enough along for an abdominal scan' Andromeda admitted.

Gemma threw a sheet over Tonks' lower half and pulled out a wand like instrument, positioning herself between Tonks' legs. 'You may feel a bit of discomfort to begin with' Gemma told Tonks as she lubricated the wand. 'If you'd prefer, you can insert it yourself.'

'Wait what?' Tonks cried, propping herself up on her elbows. 'Wait. Where are you planning on sticking that thing?'

'It's too early for us to get a good look abdominally. This is called a transvaginal scan. I need to insert this into your – '

'Woah, okay, I get it' Tonks exclaimed. She leant back into the chair and gritted her teeth. 'Fine. Fine. Just do it.'

Andromeda reached down to hold Tonks' hand, offering her support. Tonks closed her eyes and tried to relax, flexing her fingers around Andromeda's and trying to ignore the slight pressure she felt. It was over in a moment and she reopened her eyes to glance towards Gemma for confirmation.

'It's going to be hard to really see anything, but if you look at that screen by your head,' Gemma murmured and pointed out the screen. 'You can see that tiny little blob there is your baby's body and head. You can see the heartbeat.'

'Oh' Tonks whispered as she watched her baby's heart on the screen. 'Wow. It's really small.'

'Your embryo measures about 15cm at the moment, which is only 1cm smaller than average so it's nothing to be worried about' Gemma said. 'I can only see one pregnancy sac so it's safe to assume you're only having one baby. Thankfully, nothing seems out of the ordinary.'

She removed the instrument and lowered Tonks' legs in the stirrups. 'Everything seems perfectly fine. You can go get changed now and when you come out we'll figure out where we'll go from there.'

Tonks didn't think she'd ever gotten dressed so quickly before. Her actions were jerky as her mind replayed the moment she had seen the tiny little being forming inside of her. She rushed from the room and took a seat beside Andromeda.

'Now, I've estimated your due date to be the 5th of May next year' Gemma told Tonks. 'You won't need another ultrasound until your second trimester. I think the 21st of October would be a good day for another scan.'

'That should be fine' Tonks affirmed. 'If I'm working will I be able to reschedule?'

'Of course' Gemma replied. 'Where do you work?'

'She's a police officer' Andromeda supplied. 'At her next scan she will have to decide when she can go on maternity leave.'

'Yes, yes' Gemma nodded. 'We will. Now, I need to ask, will the father be present for any of these ultrasounds?'

Tonks felt like she'd been punched in the chest. Her breath caught and she bowed her head, blinking back tears that she didn't appreciate. Gemma clucked her tongue and made a side note on her paperwork.

'Taboo topic' Andromeda said softly. 'But no, he will not be present.'

'That's fine.' Gemma stood and ushered the two women to the door. 'It was nice meeting you Tonks. I'll see you in a few weeks time.'

'Thanks' Tonks said, glad that she had managed to get her emotions in check in time. She shook the doctor's hand and let her mother lead her back down the hall.

'How'd it go?' Chad asked as they came to a brief stop at the front desk.

Tonks tilted her head and grinned at him. 'Good. I'll probably end up seeing a bit of you.'

'I'd like that' Chad said, and Tonks felt the hint of a blush creep up her neck. She gave him a small wave and left the clinic.

'What was all that about?' Andromeda asked as they walked back to the car.

'Nothing mum' Tonks mumbled. She kept her head down and shoved her hands into her jacket pockets. She couldn't believe she was having this type of conversation with her mother.

'It didn't seem like nothing.' Andromeda opened the door and gave Tonks a look over the roof of the car. 'It seemed to me like that young man was flirting with you.'

'No mum!' Tonks cried, slamming the door and buckling herself in. 'He was making small talk.'

'If you insist.' Andromeda started the car and slowly pulled out of the parking lot. 'But maybe it will be good for you to get to know him better. Might take your mind off things.'

Tonks nodded and smiled, appreciating he mother's concern but understanding the underlying message. Maybe she could get to know Chad better, and maybe she could even get to know Lena better. Then at least she would have somebody who was experiencing the same things that she was.

But she couldn't think of wanting anything more. She couldn't think of starting a relationship with Chad, not because she barely knew him, but because she was still holding out for Remus.

With every moment that Remus wasn't there, she could feel her heart splintering. And though she now had something to worry about, something to keep her distracted from thinking about him, she didn't know how long she would last before she finally broke.


	5. Helena Beat

**Wow. It's been a while. A apologise profusely. **

**I hope you enjoy, anyway. Please review. It's always nice when people do that.**

* * *

_You play the game but you kind of cut,_

_cause you're coming down hard and your joints are all stuck._

_-Foster The People, "Helena Beat"._

Tonks pressed the palms of her hands against the smooth surface of the door and contemplated going inside. She weighed the pros and cons in her mind – the cons list being decidedly longer than the pros list – and chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully.

She really didn't want to go inside.

'Get a grip' she muttered to herself and took a deep breath. 'You're being a bloody idiot.' Steadying her hands, she pushed against the door as hard as she could. It didn't open.

She tried again, harder, and then turned sideways to throw her weight onto her shoulder and try that way. Taking a step back, she kicked the door once, twice, three times, before slumping down onto the ground beside it panting.

She rested her elbows on her knees and placed her head in her hands, squinting against the glare of the sun off the windshield of a car parked about twenty metres away. She could quite easily go through the main entrance but she rarely ever did, and she wasn't up to being scrutinised by everybody that would be loitering around on the first floor. She just wanted to go in, speak to Moody, and finish her paperwork as quickly as possible so she could maybe go home a little earlier.

Just as she was considering leaving altogether, the door banged open and a pair of smart black shoes came into Tonks' line of vision.

'What're you doing down there?' she heard a voice ask.

Tonks turned her head up to see that Scarlett was holding the door open for her and fumbling with a packet of smokes. Tonks stood slowly and propped the door open with her foot, giving Scarlett the chance to light her cigarette and pull her handbag more securely over her shoulder.

'The door was locked' Tonks said, shaking her head at the cigarette Scarlett offered. 'I couldn't be bothered going through the front.'

'Fair enough' Scarlett said. 'How'd your week off go?'

'Not quite as planned' Tonks admitted, clenching her hand into a fist before it could involuntarily move down to rest over her stomach as it usually did whenever she thought about her pregnancy. 'Is Moody in? I've gotta speak to him about something.'

Scarlett narrowed her eyes and looked Tonks over critically. 'Are you sick?'

'No' Tonks assured quickly. 'No, um, not... Well... No, I just have to speak with him.'

Scarlett didn't look convinced but nodded and began to walk away, fishing her car keys out of her pocket simultaneously. 'Okay. But if you need anything, whether it be a ciggy or some advice, you know where to find me.'

'Yea I know. Thanks' Tonks called after her retreating figure. Scarlett was one of the only officers who had made an effort to get to know Tonks when she had first begun at this police station. They had formed something of a friendship, occasionally going out together on Friday nights after work or ordering takeout to help get them through long nights, and Tonks was thankful that she had another woman to turn to when things got tough.

Despite this, Tonks couldn't bring herself to tell Scarlett about her pregnancy. She had been there for Tonks throughout the breakup and had said a few choice words about Remus that Tonks had been too upset to care about, but she wasn't sure how Scarlett would react to the news that she was now carrying his baby.

Pushing all thoughts of Remus aside as she felt hot tears burn the back of her eyes, she let herself into the building and bypassed the lift to take the stairs.

She'd barely made it to her desk when she heard a chair wheel over and into the small space of her cubicle. She gritted her teeth and turned to greet whoever it was, praying that it wasn't Scrimgeour wanting to know why she'd been given a week off.

It wasn't Scrimgeour but Shane, who was by far the most attractive bloke in the whole department. What he had in looks he lacked in maturity, and he had been trying unsuccessfully to get into Tonks' pants ever since he had met her three years ago at the Police Academy where they had trained.

'Tonks, long time no see' he commented, tapping his fingers on his knees and smiling lazily. 'I was beginning to think you'd run off without giving me your number, and then I wouldn't be able to call you to organise a time when I could return that book you'd let me borrow.'

Tonks fought the urge to roll her eyes. Instead, she busied herself turning her computer on and then pretended to be extremely interested in a sticky note that had been left on her screen from Kingsley. 'Sorry Shane. I guess you'll have to think of another excuse to get my number. But now that you've reminded me, I do need that book back. You can just leave it on my desk.'

Shane didn't let her hostility stop him. He stood from his seat and leant over her shoulder, his breath fanning out onto her cheek. 'What's so interesting over here?'

She straightened abruptly, knocking Shane's chin on her shoulder. She had to hide her smirk as she heard him curse under his breath.

'Anyway Tonks,' Shane tried again, sounding less enthused than he had before. 'When's your break?'

'Not at the same time as yours' she snapped, and then feeling guilty, turned to face him fully. 'Sorry Shane. I'm just not feeling one hundred percent right now.'

Shane shrugged and placed his hands on the back of his chair, ready to wheel it back to his own cubicle. 'It's cool Tonks. Maybe another day our lunches will coincide.'

'Yea, maybe' she agreed half-heartedly, suddenly picking up on a distant _clump _sound that signified the arrival of her mentor. 'Um, I've really got to speak to Moody about something. I'll see you later Shane.'

She pushed past him gently and strode briskly down the hall until she found Mad-Eye leaning against his wooden staff, talking with Kingsley. She announced her presence with a groan as the smell of Kingsley's bacon sandwich made her stomach roll unpleasantly.

'Tonks' he boomed, holding his sandwich out to her. 'Care for a bite?'

'No thanks' she declined, pushing his hand away. He gave her a curious look as he sat his greasy lunch on the paper bag it had come in.

'Usually you'd be all over one.'

'Yea, I'm not feeling too well right now. Besides, I don't want your boy germs.'

Kingsley laughed and raised his hands as though surrendering. 'Fair enough. Did you get my message?'

'Yea' Tonks nodded. 'The report will be on your desk by the end of the day.'

'I'll hold you to that' Kingsley said. 'Was there something you wanted?'

'I need to speak to you' Tonks said, turning to Mad-Eye. His eye searched her face, and apparently not liking what he saw there, he stood up straight and with a quirk of his finger beckoned her to follow him.

He didn't speak once, even when they were in his office and the door was shut. Tonks slouched into the chair opposite his desk and tried to calm her erratic heartbeat. _If you can work up the courage to tell your parents then you can easily tell Mad-Eye, _she thought to herself as she watched Mad-Eye settle into his own chair. _Get it over and done with. Nice and quick, like ripping off a bandaid. _

'I'm pregnant' she blurted before she could stop herself.

Mad-Eye paused, obviously expecting something other than what he had just been told. Despite his apparent shock, he remained quiet, staring at Tonks until she began to shift uncomfortably.

'I found out the day you sent me home' she continued awkwardly, twisting an elastic band she had found around her finger until it turned purple. 'I didn't mean to, get pregnant, that is. Well, I didn't mean to find out either, it's a funny story actually, but I dropped a pregnancy test in the toilet and after I got it out using my only pair of kitchen tongs, which reminds me I should probably buy more... well anyway, I put it in the bin but then I knocked the bin over and out it fell and it was positive.'

She took a deep breath, eyes wide as she waited for a response from Mad-Eye. He looked amused now, and was leaning back in his chair.

'I had an ultrasound appointment two days ago. I saw its heartbeat. It looks like a blob.'

'Does Remus know?' Mad-Eye asked. Tonks blinked, trying to settle her thoughts.

'Um, no. No he doesn't' she eventually managed.

'When are you telling him?' was Mad-Eye's next question. He pulled a notepad out of his drawer and began to jot a few notes down. Tonks craned her neck to try and see them, but Mad-Eye had them strategically positioned behind a stack of paperwork and she could only just make out a few meaningless words.

'I'm not telling him' Tonks said, giving up trying to find out what Mad-Eye was concentrating so hard on.

He glanced up at her. 'Is that a good idea?'

'I don't know. Probably not. I don't care' she responded. 'It's my body. I didn't want to get pregnant. I didn't want this to happen. Therefore, I get to choose whether or not I tell him.'

'Have you thought that decision through?' Mad-Eye said, knowing only too well that Tonks tended to act before thinking.

'I'll have you know that after careful consideration, in which I spent many a night tossing and turning, I have decided that I am not fucking telling Remus no matter how many people disapprove of that decision,' she said. The elastic band snapped and flicked her wrist hard.

'Shit' she swore, rubbing the spot. 'I mean shoot.'

If she hadn't have been used to it, Mad-Eye's bark of laughter would have startled her. She gave him a stern look and folded her arms over her chest.

'Don't' she warned. 'I'm not in the mood.'

'I don't care what decision you make girly' Mad-Eye said as he sobered again. 'We'll have to sort out maternity leave, and how long you'll be off after the kid is born.'

'Oh, I don't know if I'm keeping it yet Mad-Eye' Tonks admitted softly. 'I haven't thought that far ahead. I think it might almost be better if I give it up for adoption.'

'Well, that's your choice' Mad-Eye said, choosing his words carefully. 'You have plenty of time to work it out.'

'I'm eight weeks' Tonks told him. 'My next ultrasound is on the 21st of October. Doctor Gemma said we can work out maternity leave then.'

'I'll give you it off then. Don't stress.' He took a gulp of the coffee resting beside his elbow and glanced at her over the top of the cup. 'Well off you go then. If that's all you had to tell me.'

Tonks rolled her eyes and stood to let herself out. 'Tonks' she heard Mad-Eye call as she reached the door. She turned back to regard him, lifting one eyebrow playfully. 'Congrats kiddo.'

If there was one thing that she had not been expecting, it was congratulations from Moody. The man was like a second father to her and she couldn't help but notice how easily and smoothly he had taken the news, compared to the almost mental breakdown Ted had experienced when she had told him.

Though she hadn't admitted it to anyone, Ted's words and lack of faith had hurt her. She had thought that her mother would have been the one to get upset; they had never been exceptionally close and her mother had standards that Tonks could never seem to reach. Her father was someone she trusted completely, someone who she could veg out with on hot days and complain about work to.

She couldn't help but wish that Ted had offered her some form of congratulation as well. Though he had apologised and they were now speaking again, Tonks felt like his words would always hover awkwardly over their relationship, and not for the first time she wished that things had turned out differently.

* * *

Scarlett was coming up the stairs as Tonks was heading down. She grabbed Tonks' arm and pulled her off to the side, pressing her body to the wall.

'He wrote me a fucking poem' she whispered, green eyes alight with humour. She rummaged around in her jacket pocket before finding a crumpled piece of stationary paper. She passed it to Tonks and brought her hand up to run over her bottom lip.

'What?' Tonks asked, unfolding the paper. She glanced over the first few words and stifled a laugh; it appeared that Scarlett's boyfriend had written a love letter, declaring his everlasting adoration of her. 'I thought you were breaking up with him?'

'Keep reading' Scarlett encouraged. 'And yea, I am. I think he must have caught onto my hints. Today at lunch, he almost started crying. I kinda feel sorry for him now.'

'Wow' Tonks said when she had finished the letter. 'If you'll excuse me, I'll just go vomit now.'

'Hey' Scarlett said in mock anger. 'It's... sweet.'

'If by sweet you mean so sweet I'll have to go get three new fillings, than sure, it's sweet' Tonks teased. She handed the letter back and regarded Scarlett carefully. 'On a serious note, if you're gonna break up with him you better do it soon. You can't let the poor guy suffer.'

'I know' Scarlett sighed, re-pocketing the letter. 'I dunno. Ben's really nice. And cute. But I kinda just wish he'd pull a Remus and run off to the other side of the world.'

The thing with Scarlett, Tonks had realised, was that she could casually say something like that, and Tonks wouldn't feel like she'd been stabbed as soon as she heard Remus' name. She wasn't sure why, but she honestly couldn't complain.

'He's just not a very good shag anymore' Scarlett continued thoughtfully. 'And like I said, he's cute, but not in a boyfriend kind of way. In an old couple kind of way. I think I need to find somebody refreshing, someone like that hot cousin of yours. What's his name? I'd like to bang him.'

'Sirius' Tonks said, screwing up her nose. 'I'll tell him you said that.'

'Please do.'

Tonks shook her head and laughed. 'Sure. Anyway I'm starving. I'll see you tomorrow?'

'Sure' Scarlett agreed. 'I'll give ya a full update on the Ben situation, if I ever grow the balls to dump him. See ya.'

Tonks let herself out and made her way over to her car, regretting the day she had accidentally let Scarlett meet Sirius. The two had hit it off and it had taken a lot of effort on her part to drag Scarlett away from him.

Tonks hadn't seen Sirius in months. The last she'd heard of him he'd been planning on travelling to the Bahamas or someplace exotic with this bimbo he had met a week earlier. They'd all had dinner; Sirius and that girl, Remus and Tonks, and she hadn't seen or heard from him since.

Changing her mind and deciding that she no longer wanted a cheeseburger for lunch, Tonks started the car's engine and pulled out of the parking lot.

Maybe she would pay her dear cousin a visit.

* * *

'Nymphie! Where the fuck have you been?'

Tonks was pulled into a rough hug before she could answer. When Sirius released her she coughed harshly and stepped around him, crinkling her nose at the state of his apartment.

'Are you sick?' he asked as he shut the door behind them.

'No' she assured, tossing her bag down in the doorway of the lounge and making herself at home on his couch. 'No, you must have just squeezed my lungs out.'

'Sorry' he said, though she could tell he didn't mean it. He sat in the armchair across from her and grinned cockily. 'You never answered my question.'

'I've been working' she said. 'Besides, it's not like you made an effort to call or visit me.'

'I was going away but there was a change of plans.' He leant back in his chair and regarded her carefully. 'Had something to do with my best friend leaving.'

'Oh' Tonks said. 'I'm sorry, I guess I didn't realise how much of an affect it had on you.'

Sirius quirked an eyebrow at her sarcastic tone but otherwise didn't bait her. 'I also decided to stay in case my baby cousin wanted to come round and get drunk. But you never did.'

'I was working.'

'Yes, you said that.'

They stared at each other for a moment, neither one wanting to be the first to break eye contact. Finally Tonks sighed and laid back onto the couch, resting her head on the arm and moving her gaze to the roof.

'A lot's been going on' she whispered. 'We've got a lot of catching up to do.'

'Am I gonna need alcohol?' Sirius asked playfully. When she didn't answer he stood and groaned. 'You know I make bad tea.'

He returned a few minutes later with a cup of tea and a glass of whiskey. He pushed the cup over the coffee table towards her and sat back down. 'Okay then Tonksie. What have we got to catch up on?'

'What have you been doing?' Tonks asked, chewing her fingernail and not looking away from the roof. Sirius frowned and took a long gulp of whiskey.

'Well, I didn't get to go Hawaii, and I met this girl named Macey who only ate green vegetables. We had a riveting conversation about the health benefits of celery. I did not call her back.'

Tonks laughed and sat up to take a sip of tea. She winced at the taste and set it back down again. 'That sounds exciting. Do you have anything to eat? I'm starved.'

'What am I, you're slave?' Sirius asked as he once again left for the kitchen. Tonks listened as he rummaged around in his cupboards looking for something edible.

'Do you need help?' she called to him. She was about to stand to help him when he walked back in and dumped a plate loaded with biscuits and a sandwich in front of her.

'Thanks' she said and quickly ate a biscuit. Sirius had refilled his whiskey and brought the bottle back with him, and now sat watching her with bright eyes.

'What have you been doing since I last saw you? Apart from, you know, having your heart broken,' he said.

Tonks almost choked on her third biscuit. 'I need to ask you something, and I need to tell you something.'

'No Nymphadora. I will not give you Remus' number' Sirius said, shaking his head. 'He told me not to give it to you, and even though I love you dearly, I can't go against his word.'

'Sirius, I don't want his number. I just... I just wanted to know how he was, that's all' she mumbled.

'He's fine. I spoke to him last night. He's enjoying the workload. The weather not so much. He told me not to say anything about this, but he asked how you were,' Sirius answered.

'What did you say?' Tonks asked.

'I told him that I hadn't seen you, but that you're mother was worried about you.' Sirius shrugged and drained his glass of whiskey. 'I wasn't going to lie to him and say you were just dandy. He's my best friend, but he's also a bloody prat.'

Tonks nodded and lifted her sandwich to her mouth, once again lying back on the couch.

'What did you want to tell me then, assuming your question was about Remus?' Sirius said.

Tonks swallowed thickly. 'You can't tell anyone. You can't tell Harry,' Tonks said referring to Sirius' godson. 'You can't tell the Weasleys. Definitely do not tell Molly.'

Sirius sat up straighter and set aside his glass. 'Are you okay?'

'I'm fine. I just don't want a lot of people knowing yet. It's a pretty life changing thing, well, some people would say that, others may not... I mean it might not change my life at all. I don't know yet. I need to think more and I need to stop time or something and I need to fix things but I can't' Tonks cried. She finished her sandwich and ran a hand over her face.

Sirius stared at her. 'Okay. What's going on?'

'I'm pregnant' Tonks said tiredly. 'I'm pregnant with Remus' kid.'

Sirius fought to stop his mouth from opening in shock and instead took a swig straight out of the bottle of whiskey. 'Well shit. Congratulations?'

'Thanks' Tonks said, her lips turning up into a small half smile.

'So, I suppose I _can_ give you his number. Do you wanna call him now?' Sirius said.

'No' Tonks replied quickly. 'No. I'm not telling him. He doesn't... he doesn't get to know. Not right now.'

'Fair enough' Sirius shrugged. 'I'm not going to tell you what you can and can't do.' He squinted at Tonks and frowned. 'You sure? You don't look any fatter.'

'Yes I'm bloody sure' she snapped. 'I'm eight weeks. I had an ultrasound a couple of days ago.'

'Boy or girl?'

'They can't tell yet. Why do you want to know?'

'Well' Sirius began, idly inspecting the bottle. 'If it's a boy that will be good, because you can name him Sirius. But if it's a girl... maybe Siri? Suri, like that famous kid. It's just hard to change Sirius into something feminine sounding.'

Tonks laughed. 'You're crazy if you think the baby will be named after you. Besides, I don't know if I'll be the one naming it anyway.'

'Why not?' Sirius asked in bewilderment. 'It's your kid.'

'I don't know if I'm keeping it' she responded calmly.

'You can't kill it!' Sirius cried, throwing his hands up and sloshing whiskey down his front.

'No, I'm not going to have an abortion' she explained. 'I was thinking that maybe there would be a more deserving family who would be able to love and care for it. I don't think I can look after a baby, Sirius. I could barely look after myself when Remus left.'

Sirius nodded but he looked conflicted. 'I don't think you'd be a complete screw up.'

'Who knows what I'd be like; especially when I come from a fucked up family like this' she scoffed. 'I bet Granny Black would have a right fit if she ever found out that I was pregnant at this age.'

'I think she'd be more concerned about the fact that she suddenly has a granddaughter' Sirius said softly. 'In case you've forgotten, she likes to pretend you don't exist.'

'I know' Tonks smiled. 'What a bitch.'

They laughed together, and when they had sobered Sirius held his bottle up to her. 'Well, cheers to the baby. And you'll have to visit lots now, no excuses.'

'I will' Tonks agreed and stood. She walked over and pressed a kiss to Sirius's cheek. 'Thanks for lunch. I best be off now though, I need to clean my apartment.'

'Sure' Sirius said, standing easily. He walked her to the door and leant against the frame as she grabbed her bag. 'Call if you need anything.'

'I will' she said over her shoulder as she walked down the stairs. 'Oh, you remember my friend Scarlett don't you?'

'Course I do. She's the hot police officer. Blonde hair' he said. He quirked an eyebrow at Tonks. 'Why's that?'

'She wants to bang you' Tonks said, smirking.

Sirius huffed a laugh. 'Tell her to call me.' He waved as she got in her car. 'Bye Nymph.'

She waved back and pulled her seatbelt across her stomach. It felt good to have told Mad-Eye and Sirius about her pregnancy, and it felt even better knowing that they had accepted it easily enough.

Now all she had to do was get through the next few months and make a decision that would alter her future drastically, despite which option she chose in regards to keeping the baby.

_Yea, _she thought to herself as she made her way home. _No pressure._


End file.
